On Friday night, Dec. 26th, I was at a house exorcism. As I walked around, trying to sense spirits or demons, I was blessing and reclaiming each room for Jesus. As I did this, God spoke to me.
"You MUST forgive," He said.
I replied, "I am not ready to forgive. I am close, but I want to mean it when I forgive and pray for them."
Then I heard this from my Father: "You are useless to me unless you forgive."
I was stricken with remorse, embarrassment and anger all at the same time. Still I refused to forgive on the basis that it would be superficial, at best, if I forgave without being ready to do so. But it hit me: here I was trying to help others rid their home of the demonic, when I could not rid myself of it. I was trying to expel demons while having demonic thoughts... or rather, expelling demons with demons. Whom, then, was I serving?
So there I stood, unable to bring myself to forgive and useless because of it. Later at home, I again felt the urgency from God to forgive. I realized (or moreover, God told me) that when I do not forgive, it places a wedge between me and God... as well as me and my daughter.
I forgave the men who committed this crime on Friday night. I prayed that they might find Jesus. Since I forgave them, my emotional being has stabilized.
I no longer think of killing them, for the mercy of God has spared my mind and soul. I am no longer tortured by the visions of what these men did to my daughter. Only through the grace of God am I healed in my heart, mind and soul. I still want justice for my daughter and I truly believe my forgiving these men has enabled God's hand to move more freely to that end.
God Bless,
Saul
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
An exercise in forgiveness
Hello!!
The last couple of weeks have been a test of faith for me as well as a test of strength. It started on the 15th of December when my daughter ran away from her home in Colorado Springs. She is 15 years old. I wont go into to much detail about the chain of events that led to this test of faith.
The same night my daughter ran away from home, she was raped, beaten and strangled by two men repeatedly at knife point. This is an active case as it just occurred.
I think that as part of my healing process. I am going to be very candid about my feelings on the crime perpetrated against my daughter. I will give updates on the investigation as well as what I am feeling as time marches on. With that in mind, this is what I feel after learning about this three days ago.
The first thing is my daughter! Is she ok! Thank God they did not get the chance to kill her. Although she says now, she wishes they had.
Then there is the guilt of not being able to protect her from such an awful experience. It weighs on my conscience like nothing I have ever experienced.
Then comes the movie playing the same scenes over and over in my head, of these men doing that to my daughter.
Now comes the WRATH!!!! And the thoughts that accompany it!
Now sprinkle in a little emotional distress in a mind that wont seem to quit.
I ask for Gods mercy through prayer, to take these brutal and murderous, vengeful thoughts from me and to fill me with thoughts of him. And I ask for forgiveness for having those thoughts.
I try to think on God and his glory, love and power.
But twenty minutes later I am repeating the same thought process! It is maddening.
I constantly feel I am on the brink of acting on my vengeful thoughts. If not for Jesus Christ, I would have already done it!
A large part of me feels I am still failing my daughter by not taking my vengeance out on them for stealing my little girls trust, faith, and innocence.
I have a sense of guilt because I am hesitant to fall out of line with Gods commandments. Yet I am guilty of seriously thinking about torture and murder. I cant begin to tell you how many times a day I have to ask forgiveness.
I will continue to post updates on this and hopefully more ministry in the near future.
Keep us in your Prayers and pray harder for my daughter, her name is Marythia.
God bless!!
Saul
The last couple of weeks have been a test of faith for me as well as a test of strength. It started on the 15th of December when my daughter ran away from her home in Colorado Springs. She is 15 years old. I wont go into to much detail about the chain of events that led to this test of faith.
The same night my daughter ran away from home, she was raped, beaten and strangled by two men repeatedly at knife point. This is an active case as it just occurred.
I think that as part of my healing process. I am going to be very candid about my feelings on the crime perpetrated against my daughter. I will give updates on the investigation as well as what I am feeling as time marches on. With that in mind, this is what I feel after learning about this three days ago.
The first thing is my daughter! Is she ok! Thank God they did not get the chance to kill her. Although she says now, she wishes they had.
Then there is the guilt of not being able to protect her from such an awful experience. It weighs on my conscience like nothing I have ever experienced.
Then comes the movie playing the same scenes over and over in my head, of these men doing that to my daughter.
Now comes the WRATH!!!! And the thoughts that accompany it!
Now sprinkle in a little emotional distress in a mind that wont seem to quit.
I ask for Gods mercy through prayer, to take these brutal and murderous, vengeful thoughts from me and to fill me with thoughts of him. And I ask for forgiveness for having those thoughts.
I try to think on God and his glory, love and power.
But twenty minutes later I am repeating the same thought process! It is maddening.
I constantly feel I am on the brink of acting on my vengeful thoughts. If not for Jesus Christ, I would have already done it!
A large part of me feels I am still failing my daughter by not taking my vengeance out on them for stealing my little girls trust, faith, and innocence.
I have a sense of guilt because I am hesitant to fall out of line with Gods commandments. Yet I am guilty of seriously thinking about torture and murder. I cant begin to tell you how many times a day I have to ask forgiveness.
I will continue to post updates on this and hopefully more ministry in the near future.
Keep us in your Prayers and pray harder for my daughter, her name is Marythia.
God bless!!
Saul
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