Hello!!
The last couple of weeks have been a test of faith for me as well as a test of strength. It started on the 15th of December when my daughter ran away from her home in Colorado Springs. She is 15 years old. I wont go into to much detail about the chain of events that led to this test of faith.
The same night my daughter ran away from home, she was raped, beaten and strangled by two men repeatedly at knife point. This is an active case as it just occurred.
I think that as part of my healing process. I am going to be very candid about my feelings on the crime perpetrated against my daughter. I will give updates on the investigation as well as what I am feeling as time marches on. With that in mind, this is what I feel after learning about this three days ago.
The first thing is my daughter! Is she ok! Thank God they did not get the chance to kill her. Although she says now, she wishes they had.
Then there is the guilt of not being able to protect her from such an awful experience. It weighs on my conscience like nothing I have ever experienced.
Then comes the movie playing the same scenes over and over in my head, of these men doing that to my daughter.
Now comes the WRATH!!!! And the thoughts that accompany it!
Now sprinkle in a little emotional distress in a mind that wont seem to quit.
I ask for Gods mercy through prayer, to take these brutal and murderous, vengeful thoughts from me and to fill me with thoughts of him. And I ask for forgiveness for having those thoughts.
I try to think on God and his glory, love and power.
But twenty minutes later I am repeating the same thought process! It is maddening.
I constantly feel I am on the brink of acting on my vengeful thoughts. If not for Jesus Christ, I would have already done it!
A large part of me feels I am still failing my daughter by not taking my vengeance out on them for stealing my little girls trust, faith, and innocence.
I have a sense of guilt because I am hesitant to fall out of line with Gods commandments. Yet I am guilty of seriously thinking about torture and murder. I cant begin to tell you how many times a day I have to ask forgiveness.
I will continue to post updates on this and hopefully more ministry in the near future.
Keep us in your Prayers and pray harder for my daughter, her name is Marythia.
God bless!!
Saul
5 comments:
What an amazingly honest post -- thank you so much. You are in our prayers... forgiveness will come, as you know.
Now peace might take awhile longer. But it will come, thank our amazing Lord.
Love.
Forgiveness has come, but by the grace of God!
I will keep your daughter, and those affected by this in my prayers. I can't even begin to fathom what you are going through.
Saul.I can't tell you how very sorry I am for your little daughter, you, and all of your family.
I know it is very hard to deal with the feelings of helplessness at having been unable to prevent this horrible thing from happening..and with the rage that you are feeling toward the ones who harmed her.
I can identify, somewhat, because I went through some of the same things, when my own child was molested.
Right now, all your effort and strength must go into supporting, and upholding her in prayer--you must pray, as you've never prayed before, and cover her.
She is in, and will be for a long time, in a very vulnerable place, which the enemy of our souls will use to full advantage. I'm sure that your mother has told you the same thing--but I know that you knew that, already.
Hold on, Saul..God is faithful, as you know.
You all will be in my prayers. My husband and I are going to have special prayer for her, tonight.
Love from your sister in the Lord,
Jan
An update on my daughter. She has recovered but now thinks there is not a God. Keep her in your prayers! And thank you all for your concern and prayer. God bless.
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