Wednesday, December 24, 2008

An exercise in forgiveness

Hello!!
The last couple of weeks have been a test of faith for me as well as a test of strength. It started on the 15th of December when my daughter ran away from her home in Colorado Springs. She is 15 years old. I wont go into to much detail about the chain of events that led to this test of faith.

The same night my daughter ran away from home, she was raped, beaten and strangled by two men repeatedly at knife point. This is an active case as it just occurred.

I think that as part of my healing process. I am going to be very candid about my feelings on the crime perpetrated against my daughter. I will give updates on the investigation as well as what I am feeling as time marches on. With that in mind, this is what I feel after learning about this three days ago.

The first thing is my daughter! Is she ok! Thank God they did not get the chance to kill her. Although she says now, she wishes they had.

Then there is the guilt of not being able to protect her from such an awful experience. It weighs on my conscience like nothing I have ever experienced.

Then comes the movie playing the same scenes over and over in my head, of these men doing that to my daughter.

Now comes the WRATH!!!! And the thoughts that accompany it!

Now sprinkle in a little emotional distress in a mind that wont seem to quit.

I ask for Gods mercy through prayer, to take these brutal and murderous, vengeful thoughts from me and to fill me with thoughts of him. And I ask for forgiveness for having those thoughts.
I try to think on God and his glory, love and power.
But twenty minutes later I am repeating the same thought process! It is maddening.
I constantly feel I am on the brink of acting on my vengeful thoughts. If not for Jesus Christ, I would have already done it!

A large part of me feels I am still failing my daughter by not taking my vengeance out on them for stealing my little girls trust, faith, and innocence.

I have a sense of guilt because I am hesitant to fall out of line with Gods commandments. Yet I am guilty of seriously thinking about torture and murder. I cant begin to tell you how many times a day I have to ask forgiveness.

I will continue to post updates on this and hopefully more ministry in the near future.
Keep us in your Prayers and pray harder for my daughter, her name is Marythia.

God bless!!
Saul
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